Eureka!

He gets it! He gets it! He gets it!

We have a saying in our house that I've heard other moms use as well. It is:

You get what you get and you don't throw a fit.

Sounds reasonable, right? Not to a five year old who wants what he wants or, darn it, he will throw a fit. We've drilled this saying into Noah dozens and dozens of times, but it always seemed to go in one ear and out the other. Actually, most of the time, it probably never even made it to the ear, with all the fit throwing and such. No sound had any hope of penetrating that amount of wailing. Heaven help us!

Well, heaven did help us. It seems our efforts have not been in vain. It seems that consistency does pay off, eventually. There is hope! Let me tell you what happened.

Last night I fixed chicken salad sandwiches for dinner. I got the table all set and sent the kids into the kitchen to eat their lovingly prepared meal. Noah took one look at what was awaiting him and began hyperventilating, yelling between breaths, "No! No! No!" You'd think by his reaction I'd given him an Earth worm sandwich or something (some of you may know that recently Noah did try a worm- he licked it. Yet, he won't eat my cooking?).

Remembering my goal to be more Christlike, I calmly said, "Noah, you can either stop throwing a fit or you can sit down and eat."

The fit escalates.

"Okay, you can go to your room while we eat," I say, still relatively calmly.

Fit escalates even more.

"Noah, you chose to go to your room when you continued throwing a fit. Now go to your room," still surprisingly calm.

His fit nears Mom's breaking point, and he has yet to go to his room.

"Go to your room!" I add in a fake sweet voice, "Bye!" Noah finally relents, just in time I might add. Mom wouldn't have been able to take much more.

Clara and I sat down to eat while Noah continued his fit in his room, where he stayed until he was calmed down. He was not invited back to the dinner table.

After another tantrum during a game of Hide-and-Seek, which we will not get into, it was time to get ready for bed.

"I don't want to go to bed!"

By this point, I'm trying to tune him out as best as possible. Somehow (thank you Heavenly Father), I've stilled maintained a great deal of patience.

His protests of not wanting to go to bed continue, and I continue ignoring them. Then his stomach reminds him of it's empty state, and he starts bawling, "I need to eat! I'm hungry! I need to eat!"

I remind him of his earlier choice, "You chose not to eat when you threw a fit about what I fixed."

Saying this was not exactly helpful in the hopes of terminating his fit, so I give him another choice (thank you Love and Logic):

"You can either stop throwing a fit or you can go to bed right now, without any stories."

Can you guess what happened? You're right. He didn't stop, so I helped him finish getting his jammies on and escorted him to his bed, kissed him "Goodnight", turned off the light, and shut the door. He was asleep in five minutes.

After such an experience it can be easy to wonder if you're teaching them anything. Fortunately, I felt very proud of myself for maintaining my self-control and disciplining him with love.

This morning Noah woke up very hungry, but I still had my doubts of whether he would be affected in the long term by this experience. He's gone to bed without food before, but it didn't really change anything.

Now lets go to tonight's dinner. I decided to try making a gluten free boxed dinner I bought a few weeks ago for Clara. I knew Noah probably wouldn't eat it, but I was willing to take the chance. He saw me fixing dinner and asked, "What's that?" I told him it was tuna fish. Then I added more ingredients: water, milk, butter, a packaged sauce, and some corn pasta. Noah watched, and I fully expected to hear something like, "I don't want to eat" or "I'm not hungry." But nope. That's not what I heard.

He saw the picture of what I was fixing and asked if that's what the food I'd just mixed together was going to look like. I said it was, and he was very interested and said it looked good.

I thought, Okay. This is a little weird. Good. But weird.

As I continued cooking he continued to be very excited about eating it. The best was when he said, "I'm not going to throw a fit."

I said, "That great! You must be a grown up boy!" He smiled proudly.

He also helped me set the table.

When our gluten free tuna pasta and some cauliflower I'd also fixed was done, we sat down as a family to eat. Now the moment of truth. Would he really eat it? Or would he throw another fit?

He took a minuscule bite, and exclaimed, "This is really good! Mmmm!"

He continued eating, taking pea-size bites and continuing with the positive reinforcement. It was almost like he was giving himself a pep talk with each bite.

He even tried a little piece of cauliflower, and when I said it was my favorite vegetable, he said, "Mine too." And when Clara showed signs of not wanting to eat her food, he said to her, "Clara, 'we get what we get and we don't throw a fit.'" Wow, I thought. Did he really just say that?

You can imagine the happiness I felt as I watched all this unfold. I was so proud of my little guy for acting so grown up and learning an important lesson. He was so proud of himself too and wanted to call Daddy at work and tell him how he "didn't throw a fit" when he "got what he got."

I think I really needed this little glimmer of hope. I've been thinking a lot lately about this scripture:

"...be not weary in well doing, for ye are laying the foundation of a great work. And out of small things proceedeth that which is great." -D&C 64:33

Well, I have been feeling weary! I've tried not to, but sometimes it just can't be avoided. I've felt like despite all my efforts, I'm not making a dent. The Lord knew how I was feeling, so He granted me this experience to show me that I am making more than a dent. Not just counting this story I just shared, Noah was good as gold today. There were moments, of course, but for the most part, he was such a sweet boy today, and I needed that desperately. I needed to know that I am doing good things with him, even though it's sometimes hard to see. I can't give up when things get hard. I have no doubt that his fit-throwing days are not numbered, but if I just keep at it, great things will happen- just like today.

Understanding

Reasons why Noah acts out, whines, disobeys, or back talks (or in other words, drives me crazy):

1. He's hungry
2. He's tired
3. He's overstimulated
4. He's been ignored most of the day (cry for attention)
5. I haven't shown a lot of love (little things like smiles, a kind touch, kind words, etc.)
6. I'm ornery
7. He doesn't feel well
8. I get mad at each offense, which only fans the flame

I wanted to make this list because I think I've been losing sight of the reasons behind his outbursts. I've been more focused on how annoying they are and how they're driving me bananas, which means I've been thinking all about Me! Me! Me! I think I need to focus more on him and why he's upset and what I need to do to help him be happier. Sometimes that means he'll need some good discipline, but discipline is almost 100% more affective when done with love. Lets just say I haven't felt a whole lot of love when I've disciplined him the last few days.

This morning, for instance, he was sooooo grumpy and whiny that I finally lost it. As I was cooling off in my room, I realized he hadn't had any breakfast. I'd forgotten to feed him (I know, you all wish you were as good a mom as me)! So, he's eating now and probably feels a lot better and hopefully will be much happier and agreeable. If I had stopped and tried to understand him, I wouldn't have lost my temper nor harbored ill feelings about him. He was hungry, so of course he would have been grumpy- I would have too!

My thoughts are taking me again to some things I've been mulling over the last few weeks. I'm reminded of Elder Wirthlin's words:

“But,” you ask, “what if people are rude?” Love them. “If they are obnoxious?” Love them. “But what if they offend? Surely I must do something then?” Love them. “Wayward?” The answer is the same. Be kind. Love them. Why? In the scriptures Jude taught, “And of some have compassion, making a difference.” Who can tell what far-reaching impact we can have if we are only kind?

I have to admit that when Noah has been getting under my skin, it's a lot harder to show love toward him, but I know if I do the reward will be all the greater. If I just try to understand him, have charity toward him, those moments when there is the potential for him to drive me bananas and make me lose my temper will be driven away. In place of those ill feelings will be love, compassion, and peace.

Great Expectations

Do you think you could count how many times your kids haven't behaved the way you expect them to behave? Ha! Good luck with that! Isn't that their job? They're experts at it, especially when you're in front of other people or in a new place that's different from day to day. That's their specialty.

It's one thing to teach your kids to behave at home, but it's a whole other ball of wax when it comes to the library or the park or church or someone else's house. Even the most well-behaved child can throw you for a loop in a moment that really counts. We've all been there, right?

For me, it was the library. Noah was AWFUL at the library. He loved going, but he HATED leaving. Excursions to the library were not fun for us for a while.

Although memories of our first library outings are a little painful, they taught me some important lessons in parenting. One in particular is that kids need to know what you expect of them BEFORE you throw them into the new environment. I've learned from my own experience that pretty much all attempts to teach them in the moment will be completely useless and will only make you more mad and them behave worse. Then you're so mad when you get home that you make all kinds of unreasonable threats like, "WE'RE NEVER GOING THERE AGAIN! YOU'RE GOING TO STAY IN YOUR ROOM UNTIL YOUR 18!" This leads me to the other thing I've learned: if they don't know what you expect of them, how can you justify getting mad at them for not complying? Kids need to be given expectations, and they need to know what they are. I like to call these "Great Expectations."

These are both principles that I'm still working on. There are some things that you just don't think about needing to be addressed. We're so used to living in society and obeying social rules and such that we forget our kids don't know them. But I'm learning not to beat myself up about it. It helps me to not get upset if I ask myself whether I've taught him what I expect. Even if I have, I'm learning too that kids need lots of reminding. When we get home, I pull Noah aside and say, "Next time we do this...." or something along those lines. I know that this correcting needs to be done after we're out of the situation, not during (although, there are exceptions, as with most things). Then the next time we're going to be in that situation, I remind him what we talked about before. Am I making any sense? I wish I had an example of what I mean, but my mind is blank. I'll try to be more broad, and maybe I'll get my point across.

Concerning Church:
Noah is pretty good at church, but we've had to work hard at it. He still has things to get over. Some things we've worked on are: being fidgety, sitting on his teacher's lap, not singing, laying on the floor, and general reverence. To help him, I started talking to him at home what I expect of him and what Heavenly Father expects of him at church. There should also be consequences for their actions. Then I would remind him right before we go to church about these expectations. You can even incorporate agency into this and ask your child how they're going to choose to behave.

Concerning the Library/The Tree House Museum/Any place fun your kids hate to leave
For places Noah hates to leave because they're so fun, I make sure he understands that I expect him to leave like a nice boy and not throw fits. The best is when we leave a place happily and he is so proud of himself for doing what I expect.

Concerning Everything!
Kids need to know what you expect! I've started to try and use that word a lot more in our home because I really believe that everyone needs reasonably high expectations of themselves and of others. Noah is a lot better when he understands what is expected of him, which means I'm a happier Mom! And like I said, he's proud of himself when he lives up to what's expected of him.

I hope this didn't sound too preachy. I do not profess to be an expert in this at all! But I have seen the positive effects of laying out your expectations, so I'm trying to be better at it. I hope my thoughts were coherent. Unfortunately, I'm not as articulate as I'd like to be. Just add that to the "Needs Improvement" list. Oh boy, that list is getting really long...

Manners, Food and A Pat On the Back

We have been trying desperately to teach Noah some manners at the dinner table. I'm not talking about the obvious ones: use a napkin instead of your sleeve, don't burp, sit still, chew with your mouth closed, etc. Those are all worthy things to be addressed by all parents, but it's kind of hard to teach your child to chew with his mouth closed when he won't even put the food given him into his mouth. Yes, we have a picky eater, and I know most of you can empathize. I know this is a common dilemma, but unfortunately, there doesn't seem to be a common solution.

We've tried several things: force feeding (this only created a bigger tantrum and a mess all over him, me, and the floor), sending him to bed upon his boisterous refusal to eat (this punishment was quickly abolished when it was very clear he wanted this more than eating), making him sit at the table until he'd at least had one bite (while we endured his incessant wailing), and finally, feeding the "disgusting" food to him for every meal until he gave in (he never gave in, but rather, began to waste away before our eyes).

This brings us to our latest and final tactic. We've decided this a battle we do not want to make any harder than it already is. So, here's the rule: if he says anything rude about the food (says it's disgusting, yucky, or if he just plane fusses and whines about it) he is reprimanded and told that such things hurt Mommy's feelings. Then he is politely told he doesn't have to eat it and he can go play in another room while we enjoy a nice meal. But, he'll probably get really hungry because he won't get to eat until the next meal (the next meal will NOT be the food he refused because we've learned that he WILL let himself starve first). So far this has worked pretty well. The tantrums have decreased and meal times are quieter now. But I wasn't sure if he was really learning anything, until today.

Today I had one of those reassuring moments that told me all our efforts to teach Noah some manners are not in vain. Here's what happened:

We were at one of my cute sister's-in-law house during lunch time. She so kindly made us all tuna fish and tomato sandwiches. I knew Noah would not want to eat them since he is the pickiest eater on the planet (a title my sister-in-law challenged with one of her own children). But, I wasn't going to say anything, since I wanted to teach him that this was the food we were given, so this is what we're going to eat. As we all began to eat our yummy sandwiches, I eyed him nervously, ready to be embarrassed by my picky eater. He looked at everyone eating their sandwiches, then looked at the one sitting on his plate. He pulled it apart to reveal the tuna fish and diced pickles. I saw the nervous look on his face. Then the biggest surprise came. He put the sandwich back together, lifted it to his mouth, and took a bite! I tried to hide the relief that swelled within me.

The taste, I could tell, was a bit of a shock, but he was such a good sport. He chewed and chewed and tried his best to be a good boy and eat the food his nice aunt made for him. But, he just couldn't do it any longer. Pretty soon, my relief was squelched when I saw him spit the now mushy food onto his plate. I again geared myself for rude words like, "gross" or "yuck." But, again I was surprised. He said "I choked," which really means he gagged. Then he quietly said, "I'm not hungry. I don't want to eat."

I was so proud of him, and you might wonder why. Well, here are the reasons. One, he didn't say anything rude about the food. Two, he didn't throw a fit about the possibility of eating it. Three, and most importantly, he TRIED IT! He NEVER tries food at home that he's nervous about. I was so happy.

Later, I made sure and told him how proud I was at the way he behaved. He said excitedly, "I didn't say 'disgusting'!" Even though he's yet to show such nice manners at home, I'm glad to know he has learned something. Pretty soon, if we stay consistent with this, he'll show those same nice behaviors at our dinner table at home. I have a feeling it will be a while, but it's nice to know the possibility is there and that our efforts aren't for nothing.

So, the moral of the story is:

Keep at it! You never know how much your children are learning, so keep trying!

Also, when it comes to teaching your kids to eat, I think it's one of those things you have to customize to your child. They all respond so differently. What we're doing might not work for your kids. You just have to find what sort of works and be consistent with it. For some more ideas, here's my whole game plan for teaching my kids to eat:

• For breakfast and lunch, I almost always try to fix something I know they WILL eat. I reserve the teaching time for dinner (because Dad's usually home at dinner, and he'd much rather eat something other than mac and cheese)
• Since Noah's been so difficult, we've started early with Clara. If she doesn't eat what I fix for dinner, I don't worry about it. Even though she's young and small, I'm still going to expect that she eats what she's given. She guzzles her milk, and we have to put Carnation in it, so she's getting lots good stuff that way. Plus, she's not as picky as Noah, so she does usually try new things and I definitely don't want to lose that.

I'm always up for advice since I pretty much don't know what I'm doing.

Morning Devotionals

Sorry for the long absence. My Internet hasn't worked very well, but I'm back and hopefully for awhile.

A couple of weeks ago I started having a morning devotional with my kids. We sing a song, read a scripture and thought from President Hinckley's book "Stand a Little Taller," and kneel down to pray. Then I give them a big hug and kiss. I want to do it every morning, but we've averaged about 4 times a week. I figure that's better than nothing.

I've really enjoyed it. At first N didn't want to be a part of it and was upset with me for making him sit for 5 minutes. But after only a couple of times he started to accept it as a way to start the day. It's turned into a great way for him to practice being reverent. Before we start each devotional I remind him how to sit reverently- on your bum (he tends to want to lay down or sit and stand constantly), quiet and listening with eyes and ears. He's already improved so much, and if I keep it up it will help him be better at church. I'm also using it to teach C how to sit on my lap without toys. She is still young, but I think she's old enough to learn to sit for at least 5-10 minutes at a time.

I've also really enjoyed our devotionals because it's made our days start on such a good note, and I think that's one reason N's more cooperative- he can feel the Spirit and it feels good. Even though it's only a few short minutes, it makes a big difference, and I love the opportunity to teach him the gospel. After I read the scripture and quote I briefly explain in words he understands what it's talking about. One day the topic was missionaries, and we had a very pleasant conversation about missionaries, missionary work, and how someday N will go on a mission like Daddy. Then we sang "I Hope They Call Me On a Mission." N seemed really excited, and I'm so glad we could have that talk. I know these devotionals will open a lot more conversations like that.

To get N involved in the devotional I usually ask him to choose the song we sing or I'll have him say the prayer. One day he wanted to read the scripture, so he got his paperback copy of the Book of Mormon and began "reading" from it. It was so cute! He just made up stuff about God and Jesus, most of which I couldn't understand. Then he wanted me to take a turn reading from my scriptures, which I did, except I really read them. We kept taking turns reading, and it was so fun. I loved it!

Another reason I like these devotionals is because they're not hard at all. They have required no preparation. They're easy and give me a great opportunity to teach my kids.

Have any of you done something similar? Have anything to add? I always want to hear!

Inhibitory Control

One of the many things I've learned from Kindermusik is the importance of inhibitory control. Kids are great at wiggling around, especially when they're told to, but something they're not always so great at is stopping the wiggling. This comes easier to some than others. N is one of those others. When he first strarted going to Kindermusik classes I noticed he was often the last child to stop doing an activity. I'd never thought about the need to teach him inhibitory control (Yeah, I'm the world's greatest Mom. Good job, Marianne), but I learned it is an important step in learning how to sit still, among other things (Hmmm, maybe that's why he has a hard time at church?). Kids need to learn to control their physical bodies.

The way they teach this at Kindermusik is they'll play stop and go games. These are easy things to do at home. If you're dancing around with your kids, say STOP and have your kids freeze in place until you say GO. Or, if you're dancing to actual music, hit the pause button so your kids learn to stop when they hear the music stop too. That's good for their aural skills too. Basically, you can do this with any physical or musical activity. My kids love it. N is so much better at controlling himself. Sometimes he starts moving again before I say go, but we're working on it. C loves these kinds of games- they always make her smile. Hopefully learning this now it will help her not have ants in her pants when she's N's age.

So, if you have a wild child like mine who can't sit still for more than two seconds at a time, this would be a good activity for you. Anything to help you not go crazy, right? God speed.

Teaching Obedience

We've had some trouble lately getting N to obey. When asked to do something he often returns our request with a harsh "No!" Needless to say, it's very frustrating. One morning it was particularly annoying, but I knew getting mad wouldn't solve anything. So, in a fit of desperation and with some help from above I'm sure, I came up with a plan. I quickly drew a little chart that says I CAN OBEY, and on it are 15 circles that say "I can quickly obey". The rules are 1. N gets a sticker every time he quickly obeys without complaining 2. N gets a prize each time he gets 5 circles covered with stickers 3. If he is disobedient he gets a sticker taken away.

Today is the third day of our little experiment, and it's worked pretty well. Today has shown the biggest improvement. He has been a lot more willing to do things that used to be like pulling teeth. He gets so excited when he gets another sticker and even more excited when he gets a prize. The prizes have been very simple, but you could call a rock a prize and he'd love it.

Here he is proudly holding his chart

To help him understand better the principle of obedience, that was our topic for our FHE lesson this week. I just used Lesson 14 in "Behold Your Little Ones," the church's new nursery lesson manual (so much better than the old one). We followed almost all their suggestions, except for an activity I had Joel give an example of disobedience and obedience. First, I asked him to do something and his reply was "No!", and each time I asked he got more whiny about it and threw a little fit. Then I asked N if Dad was obedient, and we decided he wasn't. Then I gave Joel another chance and asked him to do something. This time he said, "Yes Mommy. I will quickly obey." N liked the activity so much that he wanted a turn to see if he could be obedient.

I also talked to him briefly about how sometimes it's hard to obey, but it will always make us happy. That right there has been a big help with his obedience chart. I make sure and reinforce the feelings he gets when he obeys vs. when he disobeys. When he disobeys he is sad, but when he obeys he is happy.

The lesson went very well. He really enjoyed all the activities. The rest of the month I will try to similar topics that have to do with obeying (like helping and doing chores).

How have you taught this principle to your kids? Any suggestions?

Human Timer

I've created a monster. A while back I started using a strategy to get N to do things without throwing a major fit. I learned his fits were caused because his world was turned completely upside-down if he was suddenly told to do something different then he was planning in his little head. So, I started giving him ample warning- "In 'blank' minutes we'll have to go home." He showed almost immediate improvement when I started this technique and has since improved by leaps and bounds, although I still have an occasional small fit.

The trouble is this: N has turned into a negotiator. He's started using my tricks on me! Little rascal! Now, almost everything I ask/tell him to do is answered with, "I'm going to [color] for 2 minutes first." Grrr. Kids catch on too quickly. This leads to why I am now the human timer. Sometimes simply saying "okay, 2 minutes are over " doesn't go over too well, so I've found that if I beep like a timer he's more willing to end his task and move on to mine. So, I'm a human timer. I'd rather have this than the fits any day of the week, but sometimes it is annoying. I just want to yell, "No! Not in 2 minutes- NOW!" (and you know I do sometimes- what normal mom wouldn't?) But, what can ya do? In the long run, if I have to choose between a ten minute tantrum with tears and screaming or a willing QUIET boy in two minutes, I'll choose the two minutes.

So...who's in charge here?

Thank You Dr. Laura

"Laaaaaaaaaaaa!" (sung high and exultantly) I was a little hasty in my last posting. After I'd vented and finished my post on what to do with a 4 year old stuck on "no!" I thought I'd check out Dr. Laura's website. I know she can be mean sometimes, but I love Dr. Laura. She's one of the few in the media that speaks up for the family and conservative values. Anyway, on her site she had a link on the left hand side that said "stay-at-home," so I clicked on it, and there was my answer: how to get through to your preschooler. "Laaaaaaaaaaa!" I clicked on it and found this. It talked about the very thing I am currently frustrated with- a 4 year old stuck on "no" and the frustrated parents that don't know what to do. Check it out here. I'm sure it will be helpful to all those going through what I'm experienceing. If you have anything of your own to add please do! Heaven knows there can never be too much help in this department!

The Wonderful Behaviors of 4 Year Olds

Our latest teaching endeavors in our house have been challenging. N really is a sweet boy, but lately he's really become an expert in the field of whining and screaming. There have been many moments where I wanted to scream too (and did), but I do think we're making progress. I tried the ignoring thing, but for N, that just made him whine and scream louder. So, now when he whines at me, I tell him "I can't hear you when you talk like that," and I think it's working! He's catching on, and sometimes he'll talk nicely before I even say anything! Yay!

Our other thing we're working on is obeying. I'm starting to think that 4 year olds are incapable of understanding that word. N can be very helpful and obedient, but only when he wants to be. The last couple of days it has gotten particularly bad. Every time I ask him to do something, he just says, "No!" I try to always ask him to do things in a kind way, but all I get is a nasty "No!" So, today he's spent more time than usual in time out. By the end of the day, I had had it! I felt like I was going to have a nervous break down, and every time he asked for something, I just wanted (and did) to say "No!" so he could get a taste of his own medicine. Spiteful, I know, but it was either that or go insane or beat him black and blue.

I really don't know what to do. Please, all you experience mothers, tell me what to do! How do you teach your children to be obedient without nagging them or punishing them all the time for when they're not obedient. When it comes to punishing, I don't know what to do because he's such a drama king. Every time he goes to time out he screams and cries and scream some more, and it takes him so long to calm down that both of us have forgotten why he was in trouble in the first place. I try to always show my gratitude for when he is obedient, but I guess it's not enough. I'm kind of wondering if part of it is an attention thing. I'm noticing that he might be getting a little jealous of the attention that C gets. I think I'm going to try really hard to give him more positive attention and more one on one time. I'm hoping that will help his overall behavior.

I didn't want this blog to me my place for venting parenting frustrations, but I really needed to do it tonight! I promise not to do this very often. Just PLEASE help me!! I need your advice! And I'm sure your advice will benefit everyone because I better not be the only one with a stubborn, strong willed child!