Our Perfect Parent

I've been thinking a lot lately about the example of parenting from our Heavenly Father and the Savior. They are perfect, after all, so there isn't anyone better than them to look to. I have a lot of thoughts on the subject, and hopefully I can relate them in a coherent manner.

I've been reading the book "Parenting with Love and Logic" by Foster W. Cline and Jim Fay, and I really like it. The reason I like it so much is because the things they teach go hand in hand with how we are parented. The book is all about allowing our children to choose and lovingly allowing them to experience the consequences, whether good or bad. That is exactly what our Heavenly Father does with us. He gave us the gift of agency, which gives us the opportunity to learn and grow from the choices we make. Otherwise, there would be no point to this life. Likewise, if we make all our children's choices for them, they will never gain the knowledge they need to not only survive in this world but also to receive eternal life in the next.

The more I ponder the example of parenting and love set by our Heavenly Father and the Savior, the more I am filled with gratitude. In Elder Dallin H. Oaks' talk last GC, he said, "Think how it must have grieved our Heavenly Father to send His Son to endure incomprehensible suffering for our sins. That is the greatest evidence of His love for each of us!" And we all know the scripture in John 3:16, "For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in Him should not perish, but have everlasting life."

To say being a parent is hard is an understatement. And I don't know about you, but allowing my son to make poor choices is super hard! It hurts my heart and sometimes makes me angry, but I know I have to let him go through the experiences because they will make him better. I just don't know how the Lord does it. Well, I do- because he's perfect. But being perfect doesn't make Him free from the pain and hurt that comes from seeing a child suffer because of their poor choices. Yet, He knows that it is the only way we can return to Him. It all goes back to love.

Tonight I was reading this month's Ensign and thinking again about Heavenly Father's example of parenting, and I was filled with immense love. I felt strengthened and guided by it, and it allowed me to put what I've been learning into action. You see, there was a little boy upstairs who was very sad. He had thrown a nasty tantrum, so he got sent straight to bed. As I listened to his cries, I wondered what the Lord would do. What does he do with me when I make mistakes? Does he leave me utterly alone? Yes, for a while, but he comes back when I am repentant and want Him back. Does he lecture me? No, but he chastens me, and "whom the Lord loveth, he chasteneth." There's a difference in lecturing and chastening, and that difference is love.

So, guided by the Spirit, I decided to go upstairs. I knew Noah felt sorry for what he'd done, so it was time to relieve him of his sorrow and show him some love. I gave him a big hug, and soothed his tears by singing his favorite song, "I Am A Child of God". I told him that sometimes I make mistakes too, so I know how it feels. I also told him that he was a good boy, and that tomorrow he could try again at making better choices. I also felt prompted to ask him what Jesus wants us to do when we make mistakes and are sorry for them: try again. Everything will be okay because we can try again.

After that, his tears were all gone, and he rolled over and went to sleep. As I went back downstairs, my heart was filled with love. I really felt like I had handled things the way the Lord would have. Unfortunately, it's not always easy to react in such a loving way, especially for me. I can be pretty...um...let's say boisterous sometimes. And when I'm like that, I'm not exactly feeling a whole lot of love.

You know what the key is to feeling that love? How about some Seminary Answers? You said it- pray and read your scriptures! It's so easy and yet so hard, but I am constantly amazed at the spiritual strength I feel when I fill my spiritual reservoir. If I didn't have the gospel, I think motherhood would literally have me in an insane asylum. Not kidding. I just could not do it alone. So why is that I still try to? I suppose that's one of life's never ending lessons.

To end my smattering of thoughts, I just want to say that as hard as mothering can be, if we follow the example of our Perfect Parent, we will be okay.

P.S.- Isn't it funny how when you have been pondering something a lot, you find and hear things about it all of a sudden? This month's Ensign has an article "What Mother's Can Learn from the Savior." It's a good one. Here's a reassuring quote from it by Elder Faust:

"If you have done your best, which you usually do, your humble offering, whatever it may be, will be acceptable and pleasing to the Lord."

Here's another good one from President Packer:

"If your are helpless, he is not. If you are lost, he is not. If you don't know what to do next, he knows. It would take a miracle, you say? Well, if it takes a miracle, why not?"

P.S. 2- If you haven't read "Christlike Parenting" by Glenn I. Latham, you need to. It's a good one. The Book of Mormon isn't bad, either.

The Invisible Woman.

Okay, I'm so computer illiterate. I don't know how to upload movies, but I have a movie all you mothers need to watch. This message will make you feel so good and yummy inside. Click here to learn about the Invisible Woman.

Feasting

Last night I picked up my May 2008 General Conference Ensign and turned to Elder Nelson's talk, "Salvation and Exaltation." I remember this talk and enjoyed re-reading it last night. It reminded me of some things I seem to always need reminding of. I thought I'd share some of what he said with you.

How can we best teach our children? The Lord has given us specific instruction:

"No power or influence can or ought to be maintained by virtue of the priesthood, only by persuasion, by long-suffering, by gentleness and meekness, and by love unfeigned;

"By kindness, and pure knowledge, which shall greatly enlarge the soul without hypocrisy, and without guile-

"Reproving betimes with sharpness, when moved upon by the Holy Ghost; and then showing forth afterwards an increase in love toward him whom thou hast reproved, lest he esteem thee to be his enemy."

When a child needs correction, you might ask yourself, "What can i say or do that would persuade him or her to choose a better way?" When giving necessary correction, do it quietly, privately, lovingly, and not publicly. If a rebuke is require, show an increase of love promptly so that seeds of resentment may not remain. To be persuasive, your love must be sincere and your teachings based on divine doctrine and correct principles.

Do not try to control your children. Instead, listen to them, help them to learn the gospel, inspire them, and lead them toward eternal life. You are God's agents in the care of children He has entrusted to you. Let His divine influence remain in your hearts as you teach and persuade.

In the same conference, Elder Ballard gave his comforting talk to mothers. In it he said, among many other wonderful things:

...pray, study, and teach the gospel. Pray deeply about your children and about your role as a mother. Parents can offer a unique and wonderful kind of prayer because they are praying to the Eternal Parent of us all. There is great power in a prayer that essentially says, "We are steward-parents over Thy children, Father; please help us to raise them as Thou wouldst want them raised."

I'm so grateful for our prophets and apostles, for their testimonies, their spiritual strength, and for their love. This last General Conference was so wonderful. I learned so much about what I need to be doing better. Every question/struggle I had was answered. I feel so spiritually fed, and I don't want that feeling to go away, and I don't want this renewed desire to do what's right to go away.

That's why I am going to be participating in a General Conference study group. Stephanie at Diapers and Divinity does this after each general conference, and she invites all to participate. I'm so excited to be a part of this because I know my life will be blessed because of it. Click on the picture below to find out more about Stephanie's study group and how you can participate.

I'm feeling better now...

First of all, I want to apologize about my craziness I leashed out on you all in my last post. I don't like using this blog as a place where I vomit all my inner struggles in your laps (was that analogy too icky?). I know you have your own to deal with. Heaven knows you don't need mine too. But I appreciated the chance just the same. Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do. In my defense, however, I went to bed late that night and woke up at 4:30 in the morning to the lovely call of heartburn. I had to do something to pass the time, and venting felt like a good idea.

You know what the interesting thing is, though? Not long after I hit "publish post," I stopped by another blog by another mother. Someone must have whispered in my ear to go on over there because her post was exactly the thing I needed to see. All of you who understood my feelings and were having some of them yourself, you need to take a look see as well. If you've never been to Diapers and Divinity, you're in for a treat. Go there now and see what I mean. I'm so glad I discovered her. (P.S.- She also gave me great advice in her comment to my last post.)

I've been thinking a lot about my last post, and I remembered something my sister-in-law said to me that at the time was an answer to prayer. It's something that will always apply to my life, but unfortunately, like most things, I too often forget it and need reminding. By the time I hear her thoughts in my head I've already let myself get down, and it's her thoughts that pull me back up.

She said those comforting words one day when a few of her sisters and I were gathered together one afternoon. We were talking about motherhood, as all mothers do when they get together. I don't remember the exact question I asked her (something to do with comparing ourselves with other moms), but I remember her answer (in my own words, anyway). She said:

I stopped comparing myself with other moms because I realized that they're probably comparing themselves with me. We compare ourselves with women who have talents in an area we are lacking, and because of that, we tend to put them on a pedestal and say, "They're good at everything." When in reality, they probably look at us and see something we're good at but they aren't and then put us on the pedestal. We're all good at different things. I realized there is a handful of things I am good at, so I focus on those things, and I'm not going to beat myself up for the things I'm not good at.

I loved that! And I get so mad at myself for forgetting it (have you noticed I'm rather hard on myself?). I think it's something we all can learn from. We all have talents that are different from each other, and while it's okay to want to improve ourselves in certain areas and to try to learn new skills, it's not okay to beat ourselves for things that come difficult to us. It's much more productive and beneficial to all to focus on what we are good at.

My sister-in-law's thought relates to my thoughts on my last, crazy post about struggling with what to do at home for preschool. I realized I have a silly idea that I should be the one teaching my kids everything. Whatever they learn in life should be learned at home first. Not only is that impossible, it's not healthy. Much of their knowledge in life is going to come from their own experience in the world. It's my job to prepare them for that experience. That does not mean I have to literally teach them everything before they experience it.

So, here's what I decided. I am going to make a list of the things I for sure want to teach my kids. I think this idea goes along with my sister's-in-law because I think that things I want to teach my kids will naturally coincide with things I'm good at. For example, I love books and reading and am good at teaching my kids to love them as well. So, a love of reading is something I for sure want to teach my kids.

I haven't made my full list yet, so I'll post that on another day. I would encourage you to look at yourself and make your list of things your good at/things you want to teach your kids. What are you good at? Some of you may be good cooks. Or you may be good at being physically fit. Or you might be good at being cheerful. You might be artistic and creative. You might have a strong testimony. Or you might be good at making new friends.

Try not to make your list too long, maybe only about five things. I'm not saying you can't be good at more than five things, but just focus on five things you are good at and want to teach to your kids. Any more than that will just get overwhelming, and we don't want that, do we!

Does this idea make sense? It makes sense in my head, but it's very probable that I'm not communicating it very well. I hope you get what I'm saying, and I hope it helps someone like it has me. Although, it would help me a lot more if I'd just remember it and stop needing to be reminded all the time! I honestly sometimes don't know how the Lord stays so patient with me.

I would love to hear what all your talents are! Don't be shy about it either. I give you permission to brag about yourself!

Understanding

Reasons why Noah acts out, whines, disobeys, or back talks (or in other words, drives me crazy):

1. He's hungry
2. He's tired
3. He's overstimulated
4. He's been ignored most of the day (cry for attention)
5. I haven't shown a lot of love (little things like smiles, a kind touch, kind words, etc.)
6. I'm ornery
7. He doesn't feel well
8. I get mad at each offense, which only fans the flame

I wanted to make this list because I think I've been losing sight of the reasons behind his outbursts. I've been more focused on how annoying they are and how they're driving me bananas, which means I've been thinking all about Me! Me! Me! I think I need to focus more on him and why he's upset and what I need to do to help him be happier. Sometimes that means he'll need some good discipline, but discipline is almost 100% more affective when done with love. Lets just say I haven't felt a whole lot of love when I've disciplined him the last few days.

This morning, for instance, he was sooooo grumpy and whiny that I finally lost it. As I was cooling off in my room, I realized he hadn't had any breakfast. I'd forgotten to feed him (I know, you all wish you were as good a mom as me)! So, he's eating now and probably feels a lot better and hopefully will be much happier and agreeable. If I had stopped and tried to understand him, I wouldn't have lost my temper nor harbored ill feelings about him. He was hungry, so of course he would have been grumpy- I would have too!

My thoughts are taking me again to some things I've been mulling over the last few weeks. I'm reminded of Elder Wirthlin's words:

“But,” you ask, “what if people are rude?” Love them. “If they are obnoxious?” Love them. “But what if they offend? Surely I must do something then?” Love them. “Wayward?” The answer is the same. Be kind. Love them. Why? In the scriptures Jude taught, “And of some have compassion, making a difference.” Who can tell what far-reaching impact we can have if we are only kind?

I have to admit that when Noah has been getting under my skin, it's a lot harder to show love toward him, but I know if I do the reward will be all the greater. If I just try to understand him, have charity toward him, those moments when there is the potential for him to drive me bananas and make me lose my temper will be driven away. In place of those ill feelings will be love, compassion, and peace.