Our Perfect Parent

I've been thinking a lot lately about the example of parenting from our Heavenly Father and the Savior. They are perfect, after all, so there isn't anyone better than them to look to. I have a lot of thoughts on the subject, and hopefully I can relate them in a coherent manner.

I've been reading the book "Parenting with Love and Logic" by Foster W. Cline and Jim Fay, and I really like it. The reason I like it so much is because the things they teach go hand in hand with how we are parented. The book is all about allowing our children to choose and lovingly allowing them to experience the consequences, whether good or bad. That is exactly what our Heavenly Father does with us. He gave us the gift of agency, which gives us the opportunity to learn and grow from the choices we make. Otherwise, there would be no point to this life. Likewise, if we make all our children's choices for them, they will never gain the knowledge they need to not only survive in this world but also to receive eternal life in the next.

The more I ponder the example of parenting and love set by our Heavenly Father and the Savior, the more I am filled with gratitude. In Elder Dallin H. Oaks' talk last GC, he said, "Think how it must have grieved our Heavenly Father to send His Son to endure incomprehensible suffering for our sins. That is the greatest evidence of His love for each of us!" And we all know the scripture in John 3:16, "For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in Him should not perish, but have everlasting life."

To say being a parent is hard is an understatement. And I don't know about you, but allowing my son to make poor choices is super hard! It hurts my heart and sometimes makes me angry, but I know I have to let him go through the experiences because they will make him better. I just don't know how the Lord does it. Well, I do- because he's perfect. But being perfect doesn't make Him free from the pain and hurt that comes from seeing a child suffer because of their poor choices. Yet, He knows that it is the only way we can return to Him. It all goes back to love.

Tonight I was reading this month's Ensign and thinking again about Heavenly Father's example of parenting, and I was filled with immense love. I felt strengthened and guided by it, and it allowed me to put what I've been learning into action. You see, there was a little boy upstairs who was very sad. He had thrown a nasty tantrum, so he got sent straight to bed. As I listened to his cries, I wondered what the Lord would do. What does he do with me when I make mistakes? Does he leave me utterly alone? Yes, for a while, but he comes back when I am repentant and want Him back. Does he lecture me? No, but he chastens me, and "whom the Lord loveth, he chasteneth." There's a difference in lecturing and chastening, and that difference is love.

So, guided by the Spirit, I decided to go upstairs. I knew Noah felt sorry for what he'd done, so it was time to relieve him of his sorrow and show him some love. I gave him a big hug, and soothed his tears by singing his favorite song, "I Am A Child of God". I told him that sometimes I make mistakes too, so I know how it feels. I also told him that he was a good boy, and that tomorrow he could try again at making better choices. I also felt prompted to ask him what Jesus wants us to do when we make mistakes and are sorry for them: try again. Everything will be okay because we can try again.

After that, his tears were all gone, and he rolled over and went to sleep. As I went back downstairs, my heart was filled with love. I really felt like I had handled things the way the Lord would have. Unfortunately, it's not always easy to react in such a loving way, especially for me. I can be pretty...um...let's say boisterous sometimes. And when I'm like that, I'm not exactly feeling a whole lot of love.

You know what the key is to feeling that love? How about some Seminary Answers? You said it- pray and read your scriptures! It's so easy and yet so hard, but I am constantly amazed at the spiritual strength I feel when I fill my spiritual reservoir. If I didn't have the gospel, I think motherhood would literally have me in an insane asylum. Not kidding. I just could not do it alone. So why is that I still try to? I suppose that's one of life's never ending lessons.

To end my smattering of thoughts, I just want to say that as hard as mothering can be, if we follow the example of our Perfect Parent, we will be okay.

P.S.- Isn't it funny how when you have been pondering something a lot, you find and hear things about it all of a sudden? This month's Ensign has an article "What Mother's Can Learn from the Savior." It's a good one. Here's a reassuring quote from it by Elder Faust:

"If you have done your best, which you usually do, your humble offering, whatever it may be, will be acceptable and pleasing to the Lord."

Here's another good one from President Packer:

"If your are helpless, he is not. If you are lost, he is not. If you don't know what to do next, he knows. It would take a miracle, you say? Well, if it takes a miracle, why not?"

P.S. 2- If you haven't read "Christlike Parenting" by Glenn I. Latham, you need to. It's a good one. The Book of Mormon isn't bad, either.

The Talk

Sometimes when I put Noah to bed I like to lay down next to him and just chat for a minute. It's actually pretty special. I like to think we're building a bond that will help us through the difficult teenage years. Hopefully, even when he's fifteen and embarrassed by me, we'll still be able chit chat about nothing and talk about something. As soon as Clara's out of her crib, we'll be able to have these talks too and build our own special bond.

You never know what a five year old is going to say, which is what makes talking to them so much fun. You're always in for a laugh. Tonight, of course, our conversation turned to baby brother. No, I'm not pregnant, but Noah for months has been talking about how "soon" he's going to have a baby brother. Tonight it went further than that. He said he wanted two brothers and two sisters, and my eyes got real big.

"You want me to have 4 babies in my tummy?" I asked.

"No, six," he corrected.

"Six? Six babies in my tummy?" I hear stories of young kids saying things to their parents about future children that they end up being spot on about. That worries me a little when he talks like this.

Then we started talking about twins and how his Grandma (my Mom) is a twin, and the baby talk continued some more after that, until we came to the question all parents hope to avoid for as long as possible.

Noah talked about how babies come down from heaven and into their Mommy's tummy, but then he got confused. "How do the babies get into Mommy's tummy?" he asked.

I gave him the easy, safe answer. "When a Mommy and a Daddy love each other very much, they make a baby."

I thought that was a good answer myself. But did it satisfy this thoughtful five year old? No.

"But how do they make a baby?"

I thought maybe he didn't hear me the first time, you know kids are. So, I gave him my first answer again, adding a little inflection to my voice, kind of like when people always yell when speaking to people of a different language. Surely that helps them understand better, right?

It didn't with Noah. "But..." sounding more confused and determined to understand, "how do they make a baby?"

At this point I just stared at him, totally without a clue of how to respond. Then I started to laugh at the awkwardness and the shock that I'm already facing this issue. Luckily, Noah is easily distracted by laughter. We both lied there laughing, and I was grateful for the convenient way the topic was pushed under the rug. Beneath my giggles, I told Noah we'd talk about it more when he was older.

Can you believe he's already asking this? He's too darn smart, seeing past my veiled and sprinkled with hearts answer. His father must be consulted on this, and I'm more than half tempted to turn it all over to him. I definitely think he's too young to know everything, but he's obviously not convinced a Mom and Dad fall in love and POOF a baby appears inside Mom. Sheesh!

What do I say if and when it comes up again?

Understanding

Reasons why Noah acts out, whines, disobeys, or back talks (or in other words, drives me crazy):

1. He's hungry
2. He's tired
3. He's overstimulated
4. He's been ignored most of the day (cry for attention)
5. I haven't shown a lot of love (little things like smiles, a kind touch, kind words, etc.)
6. I'm ornery
7. He doesn't feel well
8. I get mad at each offense, which only fans the flame

I wanted to make this list because I think I've been losing sight of the reasons behind his outbursts. I've been more focused on how annoying they are and how they're driving me bananas, which means I've been thinking all about Me! Me! Me! I think I need to focus more on him and why he's upset and what I need to do to help him be happier. Sometimes that means he'll need some good discipline, but discipline is almost 100% more affective when done with love. Lets just say I haven't felt a whole lot of love when I've disciplined him the last few days.

This morning, for instance, he was sooooo grumpy and whiny that I finally lost it. As I was cooling off in my room, I realized he hadn't had any breakfast. I'd forgotten to feed him (I know, you all wish you were as good a mom as me)! So, he's eating now and probably feels a lot better and hopefully will be much happier and agreeable. If I had stopped and tried to understand him, I wouldn't have lost my temper nor harbored ill feelings about him. He was hungry, so of course he would have been grumpy- I would have too!

My thoughts are taking me again to some things I've been mulling over the last few weeks. I'm reminded of Elder Wirthlin's words:

“But,” you ask, “what if people are rude?” Love them. “If they are obnoxious?” Love them. “But what if they offend? Surely I must do something then?” Love them. “Wayward?” The answer is the same. Be kind. Love them. Why? In the scriptures Jude taught, “And of some have compassion, making a difference.” Who can tell what far-reaching impact we can have if we are only kind?

I have to admit that when Noah has been getting under my skin, it's a lot harder to show love toward him, but I know if I do the reward will be all the greater. If I just try to understand him, have charity toward him, those moments when there is the potential for him to drive me bananas and make me lose my temper will be driven away. In place of those ill feelings will be love, compassion, and peace.

Manners, Food and A Pat On the Back

We have been trying desperately to teach Noah some manners at the dinner table. I'm not talking about the obvious ones: use a napkin instead of your sleeve, don't burp, sit still, chew with your mouth closed, etc. Those are all worthy things to be addressed by all parents, but it's kind of hard to teach your child to chew with his mouth closed when he won't even put the food given him into his mouth. Yes, we have a picky eater, and I know most of you can empathize. I know this is a common dilemma, but unfortunately, there doesn't seem to be a common solution.

We've tried several things: force feeding (this only created a bigger tantrum and a mess all over him, me, and the floor), sending him to bed upon his boisterous refusal to eat (this punishment was quickly abolished when it was very clear he wanted this more than eating), making him sit at the table until he'd at least had one bite (while we endured his incessant wailing), and finally, feeding the "disgusting" food to him for every meal until he gave in (he never gave in, but rather, began to waste away before our eyes).

This brings us to our latest and final tactic. We've decided this a battle we do not want to make any harder than it already is. So, here's the rule: if he says anything rude about the food (says it's disgusting, yucky, or if he just plane fusses and whines about it) he is reprimanded and told that such things hurt Mommy's feelings. Then he is politely told he doesn't have to eat it and he can go play in another room while we enjoy a nice meal. But, he'll probably get really hungry because he won't get to eat until the next meal (the next meal will NOT be the food he refused because we've learned that he WILL let himself starve first). So far this has worked pretty well. The tantrums have decreased and meal times are quieter now. But I wasn't sure if he was really learning anything, until today.

Today I had one of those reassuring moments that told me all our efforts to teach Noah some manners are not in vain. Here's what happened:

We were at one of my cute sister's-in-law house during lunch time. She so kindly made us all tuna fish and tomato sandwiches. I knew Noah would not want to eat them since he is the pickiest eater on the planet (a title my sister-in-law challenged with one of her own children). But, I wasn't going to say anything, since I wanted to teach him that this was the food we were given, so this is what we're going to eat. As we all began to eat our yummy sandwiches, I eyed him nervously, ready to be embarrassed by my picky eater. He looked at everyone eating their sandwiches, then looked at the one sitting on his plate. He pulled it apart to reveal the tuna fish and diced pickles. I saw the nervous look on his face. Then the biggest surprise came. He put the sandwich back together, lifted it to his mouth, and took a bite! I tried to hide the relief that swelled within me.

The taste, I could tell, was a bit of a shock, but he was such a good sport. He chewed and chewed and tried his best to be a good boy and eat the food his nice aunt made for him. But, he just couldn't do it any longer. Pretty soon, my relief was squelched when I saw him spit the now mushy food onto his plate. I again geared myself for rude words like, "gross" or "yuck." But, again I was surprised. He said "I choked," which really means he gagged. Then he quietly said, "I'm not hungry. I don't want to eat."

I was so proud of him, and you might wonder why. Well, here are the reasons. One, he didn't say anything rude about the food. Two, he didn't throw a fit about the possibility of eating it. Three, and most importantly, he TRIED IT! He NEVER tries food at home that he's nervous about. I was so happy.

Later, I made sure and told him how proud I was at the way he behaved. He said excitedly, "I didn't say 'disgusting'!" Even though he's yet to show such nice manners at home, I'm glad to know he has learned something. Pretty soon, if we stay consistent with this, he'll show those same nice behaviors at our dinner table at home. I have a feeling it will be a while, but it's nice to know the possibility is there and that our efforts aren't for nothing.

So, the moral of the story is:

Keep at it! You never know how much your children are learning, so keep trying!

Also, when it comes to teaching your kids to eat, I think it's one of those things you have to customize to your child. They all respond so differently. What we're doing might not work for your kids. You just have to find what sort of works and be consistent with it. For some more ideas, here's my whole game plan for teaching my kids to eat:

• For breakfast and lunch, I almost always try to fix something I know they WILL eat. I reserve the teaching time for dinner (because Dad's usually home at dinner, and he'd much rather eat something other than mac and cheese)
• Since Noah's been so difficult, we've started early with Clara. If she doesn't eat what I fix for dinner, I don't worry about it. Even though she's young and small, I'm still going to expect that she eats what she's given. She guzzles her milk, and we have to put Carnation in it, so she's getting lots good stuff that way. Plus, she's not as picky as Noah, so she does usually try new things and I definitely don't want to lose that.

I'm always up for advice since I pretty much don't know what I'm doing.

A Spoonful of Sugar

I have had such a long absence from posting that I don't know how to do it anymore. I don't know how to get back in the swing of things. I feel like every post idea I do have is lame, so I don't want to take time away from reading my book (These is My Words by Nancy Turner- you have to read it if you haven't yet!) to write something even I don't want to read ever again, so why would anyone else? But, I've got to post something or I'm never going to get out of this slump. So, here goes nothin'.

A while back I had a moment of motherly inspiration. You know, when the heavens smile upon you and grant you a bit of wisdom telling you exactly how to handle whatever it is you happen to be trying to teach your child in that particular moment. I love those times. They happen to all of us. We just have to be listening, but unfortunatley, I'm not always a very good listener.

This particular moment I was getting ready to do the dishes (Yes, I have a dishwasher, but I like to wash my pots and pans the old fashioned way.). As I was about to start the hot water and pour the bubbles into it, I realized I had never done the dishes with my kids (at least this way- they've emptied the dishwasher with me before). I remember learning how to wash dishes and thinking it was so fun. I figured it was about time Noah washed some dishes.

I knew he would never want to do it if I bluntly asked, "Hey, Noah. You want to help me do the dishes?" The only reply I'd get with that request is, "No."

So, I thought of what else I could say. This is where the inspiration came. I asked Noah, "Would you like to play with bubbles with me?"

His eyes got wide and curious. "Yeah," he said. "Okay," I said, excited that he'd fallen into my trap. I grabbed two chairs, one for Noah and one for Clara, and put them on either side of me. Then I proceeded to teach them about washing dishes in the sink, the old fashioned way.

I told them how you need hot water and soap to get all the food and germs off the dishes. Then you need to scrub them with a rag. The most important lesson they learned, however, is the importance of playing with the bubbles. I scooped up some bubbles in my hand and blew them toward their faces. They laughed and of course wanted more. Noah blew bubbles of his own and Clara splash the soapy water around. By the end of our lesson in dish washing, there was soapy water all over the floor and counter (luckily my pans weren't very dirty, so the water was still pretty clean).

Noah not only loved playing with the soapy water, but he enjoyed using the rag to clean the pots and pans. I think he was so distracted by the fun of it that he didn't realize he was "working." All it took was a little sugar.

Like I said, this was a moment of heavenly inspiration for me. I admit that I don't always slow down and take the time to make everyday life fun. It's not always convenient to work this way. I had a watery, soapy mess to clean up, but that only took a second to wipe up (I think Noah helped with that too). I could have done the dishes myself, but here's how that scenario might have played out:

Noah: "Mom, will you play dinosaurs with me?"

Mom: "Not right now. I need to do these dishes."

Clara: Stands at my feet, bawling to be picked up.

Noah: "Mom, I want some milk."

Mom: "Either wait or you'll have to get it yourself."

Clara: Still bawling because she's being ignored.

Mom: Frazzled at trying to meet the demands of the house and the demands of those darn kids.

I think we've all had moments like this. Thankfully, I avoided this stressful scene by letting my kids work alongside me and having some fun along the way. I learned three things from this experience:

1. Stop and listen to those inspiring nudges
2. Have fun with your kids, even when you're "working," and they'll learn that work is fun when we do it together.
3. Mary Poppins was right.

Teaching Kids Healthy Eating Habits

I happened upon this article on the LDS Church website. I admit I'm a horribly eater, which makes it hard to teach my kids to eat healthy. I'm glad I found this article because I think I really needed to be given some guidance in this arena. Here's a little bit (okay, a lot) of the article I'd like to share with you:



Let’s take a look at some of the things we may be doing wrong as parents and what we might do to change them.

1. We use food as a reward. From the time our children are small we are inclined to make them feel happy when they are sad by administering a “spoonful of sugar” in some form. If Doug falls down and skins his knee, we make it better with bubble gum. If Marty’s heart is breaking because Daddy went to the store without him, we placate him with a Popsicle. Children soon learn that feelings of discomfort or sadness can become happiness through eating. Such an early association between food and good feelings may well extend into adulthood as a self-reward habit involving a trip to the refrigerator every time a case of the blues arises. What the food-as-a-reward tradition lacks in quality it overcomes in simplicity. Most parents prefer the 30 seconds required to administer a candy mood-changer to the 15 minutes required to reward Johnny with a story about David and Goliath. Imagine the impact we might have on the lives of our children if we substituted rapture in the scriptures for contentment in cookies. Perhaps the child would even realize that there is more love involved in giving time than in giving substance. Or if time is short, a few moments of closeness and a few expressions of love might adequately attend the situation. Even a ten-cent balloon might be a healthier reward than a confectionery.

2. We use food as a punishment. When John doesn’t want to eat his dessert, his parents will probably be unconcerned. But if he balks at his broccoli, look out! Mom and Dad are likely to make such an issue of the matter that the mere sight of broccoli incites anger. Some parents will compound the problem by saying, “If you don’t finish your broccoli, you can’t have any pudding.” Then broccoli becomes the evil obstacle between John and that wonderful experience called dessert.

If you want your children to like carrots, don’t bully them into eating them. Why not try the more successful emotional approach used on television? Commercials on television associate foods with fun things like cartoons and toys. Why not develop some associations between good foods and happy, fun experiences like picnics and family home evenings? How about a pioneer dinner in the park featuring raw vegetables and fruits? Or let the little ones experiment by dipping vegetables in a variety of sauces and dressings in a fondue-style dinner.

3. We encourage snacking. To add to the conviviality of such occasions as watching television, reading, or socializing, we too often engage in snacking. And as an after-school ritual, the habit is probably firmly entrenched in most of our homes.
Children do get hungry between meals. But learning to live with that little bit of hunger, especially while yet young, may be healthier than eating at every urge. (Any Latter-day Saint knows that fasting becomes easier with practice.)

It would be best if we never developed the snack habit. If you don’t think you can accomplish that in your home, perhaps snacking could be shifted from cake and cookies to the less fattening fare of low-fat milk or fresh fruits. Of course, there is no guarantee that a well-established snack habit involving milk and fruit will not change for the worse when the child is on his own, but at least the youngster has been taught the proper principles.

Complete elimination of the well-embedded bedtime snack is also desirable, but if you can’t eliminate it, how about a glass of low-fat milk instead of a heaping plate of ice cream?

4. We eat opulently. A lavishly set table has become a symbol of success. “We always had more than we could eat at my home,” may be a braggart’s phrase, but that stuffed look is certainly testimony that it is not an empty boast.

“Waste not, want not” is a desirable ethic for frugal folk, but it might produce less obesity if it were applied at the time the plate was loaded up rather than at the time it is “cleaned up.” “Clean up your plate” is the prelude to dessert in so many homes that it’s no wonder a child feels he must eat till the food is gone, including what’s left in the serving bowls. Perhaps tables could be less sumptuously set with meals more carefully planned according to the basic food groups.
And when the food is gone, it’s gone. Some recent evidence suggests that less food will be consumed, and thus less need be prepared, if you can teach your children simply to eat more slowly. Is there really any sense in eating at each meal as though there was never going to be another one?

5. We serve too many desserts. I hesitate even to mention this last item. In many homes I’m sure it will be tantamount to heresy. But are desserts really necessary? In some homes they are so commonplace, they become ordinary and even a little dull. Reserving rich treats for special occasions would not only enhance the appreciation of both the treats and the special occasions, but would do much to eliminate obesity. If the dessert habit is too firmly entrenched, switch to fresh fruits. You may be surprised at how much your family will enjoy them.
The scriptures tell us that deathbed repentance is impossible. If we have a problem in our lives, we need to start as early as possible to resolve it, since repentance may take some time. And how much better it would be if we just never developed the problem in the first place. Poor eating habits, like all others, are hard to repent of, and prevention is infinitely more satisfactory than treatment. Therefore, start right now to try to correct your family’s bad eating habits:

• Prepare less food.
  
• Use more fruits and vegetables in your meals; cut down on fried and high-fat foods; serve desserts sparingly, using more fresh fruits.
  
• As for snacks, particularly the highly processed varieties, a few days of standing firm against those pleadings for goodies might help extinguish that habit. Not having snack items around the house may reduce their consumption to almost zero.
  
• Try to make meals a more leisurely and conversational experience.
  
• Let’s help our children learn to eat the right amounts of the right foods for the right reasons.
  

I want to add my own two cents to that last sentence. By "right reasons" I think the author means that our body is a temple and we need to take care of it as best we can. We defile our body when we fill it with foods that aren't good for us. When I think about eating healthy with that kind of perspective it is much more motivating because I know my body is a gift from God, so I should respect it and take proper care of it, and I need to teach my kids to do the same. But I can't teach them to do something that I don't do myself. I'm going to be better!

I liked the suggestions in this article. What do you think? What are some of your tips for teaching your family to eat healthy?

By the way, if you'd like to read the full article, click here.

Lighten Up: A Little Inspiration

I wanted to share a little inspiration with you that I received the other night.

I was reading my scriptures and came to a scripture in 2 Samuel 23:3-4:

"...He that ruleth over men must be just, ruling in the fear of God.

"And he shall be as the light of the morning, when the sun riseth, even a morning without clouds; as the tender grass springing out of the earth by clear shining after rain."

Isn't that beautiful? The poetic lines could only have been written by the psalmist, David. I just love the beautiful symbolism in the words.

At first reading, I thought of "He that ruleth over men" to be some sort of government leader. But the Spirit gave me a little nudge, and I realized that I am a ruler over men. I'm a ruler over my children, just like all you mothers out there, and these verses, verse four in particular, are beautiful instructions on what kind of mothers we are to be.

I just love the first line in verse four, "And he shall be as the light of the morning, when the sun riseth, even a morning without clouds." First of all, the Savior is often compared with the Sun. Just as the sun's light covers the whole Earth, so does His light and goodness. We should be like Him- how would he parent our children? How would He react when your kids don't listen to you or when they flush a toy down the toilet? Also, when I think of the first light of day, I think of words like hopeful, optimistic, happy, joyful, positive, nurturing. I also think of a line from Anne of Green Gables: Tomorrow is always fresh- you've no mistakes in it.

As mothers, if we start each day with a fresh outlook, being hopeful and positive about what's ahead of us, nurturing our children with the light that is within us, being cheerful and helping our children feel the joy in life- if we do those things, then even if the day is not cloudless, our homes will be bright and beautiful because of the light that is radiating from us.

These are all things that I need to work on, which is why I was lead to this scripture. It's not easy to be cheerful and positive all the time. I don't think anyone feels that way all the time. But I do know that with some help from the Savior we can overcome any dark, negative feelings we may have and feel His light warm and uplift our souls.

The Spirit of Giving

I killed two birds with one stone today. I was able to teach N the spirit of giving and was also able to get rid of some toys before Christmas so that we're not totally overrun with toys Christmas morning.

I told N there are little boys and girls who don't have any toys, so I asked him if he'd like to help and give away some of his toys to kids who don't have any. I was very much pleased when he said yes. Although he did offer a few random toys that were really just junk (I made sure and told him we didn't want to give things like that), I was very surprised and happy at most of his choices. He wanted to give a big fire truck, two of his dinosaurs (which are prize possessions to him), some cars, and two books. We also gave a toy of Clara's she doesn't play with. I was so proud of him. He freely gave those toys because he knew they would make someone else happy. It was a very proud moment for Mom. I'm grateful I was able to teach him the spirit of giving.

How have you taught your kids that lesson?